A Drifting Soul

I've been thinking a lot about agency lately. Not long ago, a person I know well completed a goal that was in process for almost two years. In the aftermath of that goal, said person seems to be struggling to find something else to do. I find this interesting because that's a problem that I've never really had but have also kind of had. It's occurred within my life to a certain extent but I've always had the competing problem of having more stuff I want to do with my life than what I have time to reasonably complete.

I currently work a full-time job, so I have a 40-hour-per-week commitment that is ongoing. I like to sleep at least seven hours per night so that's another 49-hour commitment. I spend about an hour and a half per day doing upkeep activities such as laundry, cooking, dusting, you get the idea. That takes up another 10.5 hours per week. I also like to work out every day so there goes at least one hour per day. That leaves me with about 61.5 hours per week, most of which are spent on projects. Yet despite spending more time working on projects than working on my actual real-life job, it still seems like I have a never-ending list of things I want to do.

Admittedly, I haven't had much of a problem with not having something to work for in life. However, I have noticed that a lot of people seem to. I'm starting to suspect that people have differing levels of agency in their own lives. That is to say, I think there's a gradient of ambition across the general population. I'm okay working on stuff basically 100 hours a week because I find it fulfilling and enjoyable. However, when I look at my peers, many of them find contentment with much less. They don't seem to have a desire to push themselves. To struggle to accomplish things. They are perfectly okay with getting up, going to work, going home, eating supper, and then playing video games for the rest of the night.

To a certain extent, that's a lifestyle I'm envious of. Part of me would like to live my own life like that. In a sense that's largely how I lived during high school. School was my day job and then once I was home I always spent my evenings playing video games. So a part of me calls out to that now, but at the same time, I've rejected that way of life in favor of what I'm currently doing. That is to say, I've rejected that life for the sake of spending my time on activities that I find more fulfilling.

There is this concept of NPCs (Non-Player Characters) from video games which I think is applicable to this topic. On the one end of the spectrum, you have the main character of the game. An agent of change. An embodiment of pure potential. The thing that makes the main character of a video game special is the fact that it is the main character who's calling all the shots. The main character is the one directing how events unfold in the world of the video game. On the other end of the spectrum, you have the NPCs. Their existence is devoted to reacting to things. They respond to the actions of the main character and the game environment. They're pre-programmed and they have no agency.

A person I cared about deeply once, at one point told me that they kept a diary. I asked why they were keeping a diary. I was trying to get to the underlying purpose of the exercise from their perspective. The answer I got was, "I don't have a great memory so I use it to record the stuff that happens to me." This conversation occurred nearly three years ago as of the time of writing this. Yet as you can tell, I still think about it from time to time. I find it interesting because I too keep a journal, but I've never once viewed it as a record of the things that happen to me. I typically refer to it as my Captain's log. I use it to record the things that I've done.

What's interesting about this is the difference between how I and this individual are approaching our lives. I view my life as something that I have agency and control over. I'm the one making the decisions. I'm the one calling the shots. This other individual views life completely differently. Instead of it being something they're driving, it's something they're reacting to.

Now, of course, the truth is somewhere in between. Interestingly enough this individual once threw my life into chaos. At that point, I didn't feel like I had a ton of agency. There do exist things and events that happen to us that are outside of our control. Yet, I think it makes more sense to do what I do and take extreme agency as opposed to doing the opposite. It is better to try and change something and fail than to not try at all and miss an opportunity to change something you actually could have.

In high school, I was very anti-social. Mostly because I was shy and fat. However, over time, I eventually got it together and I also learned a few things from the wisdom literature. One of the more interesting things I picked up was the fact that people tend to react to how you treat them. I found it wild and didn't believe this could actually be the case. But I gave it the benefit of the doubt and I started treating people like I was interested in them. Suddenly, something magical happened. Over time, I found out that people were actually really interesting and that if you're interested in someone else, they tend to get interested in you as well.

That's actually how I got into my first major romantic relationship. All I did in that case was express interest in the other party. I didn't really do much else and over time, the counterparty became interested in me as well. What's my point with this? Just that human lives are kind of interesting. It's intriguing to see what people do with the time they've been given. Some act with more agency than others. I think it's better to act with more agency but I'm biased in that direction to justify my own behavior.

At any rate, that's about all that I've got for this one. I figured it was time to talk through something that wasn't Biblical for a change but we'll probably be heading back there next week.